In Praise of Inter-Generational Friendships

I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m not sure how it happened, because in so many ways I still feel far from true adulthood. Sometimes I still want my mother’s comfort when I’m sick. I still call my dad when I can’t remember how to winterize my plant beds. I can’t do my taxes on my own and I avoid making phone calls as much as possible (I am a millennial, after all).

Indeed, the passing of time has truly proven itself to be paradoxical and moody in my thirties – five years can suddenly feel as short as six months, while at the same time, it seems like summer will never get here. I’ve entered a new era of no longer feeling young while being far from old.

And yet I love it.

I also love some of the friendships I’ve formed in my thirties. My church community is such a blessing and I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with men and women and families and couples and kids. I also have friends I’ve made through business connections during my years as a designer here in Tulsa. I have friends who live on my street. I have friends I stay in touch with from previous life stages – some friendships even as old as 20+ years. All of these friends represent a diverse array of ages and life seasons.

As humans, we naturally gravitate toward communities that share our interests and life goals. We are drawn to those who are our own age, or in the same line of work, or share a similar family status. But Tim Keller put it best when he said that despite our differences in age, culture, life season, race, background, education, etc. – we have one incredibly important thing in common: the gospel. When we are in Christ, we can be encouraged that all of our superficial differences pale in comparison to the commonality we have in knowing and following Jesus. We have all been changed by it and are unified in it.

Churches in our sphere of the world are successful at promoting the importance of community with those we can relate to – as they should – but I believe there can be a stronger emphasis on the benefits of seeking out inter-generational and “inter-seasonal” friendships (a term I made up to describe people who may be in different life seasons than you )… (And yes, I know that “season” is an annoyingly overused word in Christian culture right now, but at least I’m not using the word “era” to describe it, right?).

Here's a few reasons why I believe these types of friendships are so important:

1. Wisdom can be gleaned from those of any age or stage.

Some of my most valued friendships have evolved with those who have been willing to walk alongside me, gently nudge me when I’m losing my way, and empathetically encourage me during life’s greatest struggles. As it turns out, most of these friendships have been with women who are 10+ years older than me—because those who have lived life longer than me tend to have more knowledge and life experience than I do – who knew?

At the same time, I have found myself just as encouraged and guided by friends who are younger than me. Being in this “middle” season of life has granted me more opportunities to connect with young adults entering the life stage I was in not very long ago  -- and oftentimes this younger generation, with its determination, grace, and generosity, has more to teach me than I do them.

 2. We grow in humility, patience and hope when we walk with those in different seasons from us.

I am not the poster child [adult] for maintaining friendships when it’s hard. I went through a painful divorce when I was 30, and my friendships were clunky and difficult for a while, as I distanced myself from friends in happy marriages or those with Instagram-worthy families. I have an immense amount of empathy for those going through circumstances that make friendships hard, and sometimes certain boundaries are needed when we’re in pain. At the same time, I still regret not reaching out when things were at their darkest. I did this for so many reasons – the main one being that I didn’t think anyone could possibly understand what I was feeling and the difficulties I was facing. I didn’t think someone outside of – and likely to never enter – this life season could offer me any hope.

The Lord was abundantly gracious to me during that time, and I soon discovered the beauty of connecting with friends in all walks of life. It’s amazing the way God intentionally orchestrates our relationships – and as soon as I felt the freedom to share my story with trusted friends, I felt a ton of bricks lift off my shoulders.

I believe it will always be difficult to forge friendships when we’re traveling down different forks in the road of life, especially when we wish we were going down another one. I have felt that pain, my friend, and I see you. But in the end, I believe we’ll always find that the tension is worth it. We can grieve in our own losses–knowing that none of our tears go unseen–while simultaneously celebrating our friends’ wins, and vice versa. We know that Christ did the same for us when he cried out to the Father in Gethsemane, overwhelmed with the certainty of the cross, while knowing the joy of the Resurrection was coming.

3. It’s Biblical.

Titus 2 is pretty clear in its calling for older men and women to conduct themselves with righteousness, love, and faithfulness, while calling the younger generation to do the same (Titus 2:1-7). These verses may often stand alone when taught from the pulpit, but when we look at this in context of the entire letter, we see that it directly follows Paul’s admonition of those who are “insubordinate” – those who “profess to know God, but they deny him by their works.” Then, we see that chapter two is a continuation of that thought –

“But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slave to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (Titus 2:1-5)

We see in these few verses the overarching theme of Paul’s letter to Titus: good works inevitably follow saving grace. Believers who were part of the early Church were at risk of being deceived by false doctrine that claimed the gospel made works of righteousness no longer necessary. Paul is calling the older generations to combat this heretical teaching by pursuing these characteristics of true faithfulness, and exemplifying this to those who may be easily swayed by the cultural norms. Without digging too deeply into the gender-based expectations during this historical period, we can interpret this as a call to self-control, purity, love, and steadfastness, no matter our life season, age, gender, or spiritual gifts. As noted in verse 5, this is how we represent a new way of living, so that the world may see the truth of the gospel in us.

As believers, there is an astonishing amount of grace in all of our seasons – more than we can ever comprehend. In light of this, and in light of the gospel that unifies us, may we be reminded of the beauty of walking together in all of our non-traditional friendships. Perhaps you’re in a later season, wondering why in the world anyone in their twenties would want to connect with you. Perhaps you’re just out of college and longing for wisdom and guidance from those more advanced in years. Perhaps you’re feeling alone in life’s pain, unsure of where to look for true friendship. Let’s find each other. Let us celebrate and mourn together. Let us usher in the Kingdom together. Let’s do the often difficult work of calling each other to righteousness. Let us unite in our brokenness and our love for the One who makes us whole.